Reflections from a SMART Volunteer

“I’m From” by Questor7, SMART Recovery Online Volunteer
Listen to the audio version

• I’m from the 60s, from my old lady and my old man, from flower children, groovy, and “far out, man;”

I’m from “you dig”, “coming down”, “I’m hip”, and meanwhile back at the ranch I’m from uppers and downers, and tripping and booze. I’m from free love, pedal pushers, pig out and right-on;

I’m from James Taylor, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell and Sting, I’m from we all live in a yellow submarine;

I’m from staying up too late, getting up too late, running away, and screwing and getting stoned;

I’m from hating my job, fear of flying, crazy landlords and cheating and lies;

I’m from who cares, why does it matter, hope I die, can’t stand it, and can’t do it;

I’m from it should not, must not be this way and it’s just not fair;

I’m from I’m afraid of getting too close and I’m afraid of being alone;

I’m from silk stockings, sculptured nails, permed hair, red wine and married men;

I’m from who gives a flying f, why do I have to do it, why does bad stuff always happen to me, I’m from it’s awful, it’s terrible, and the world must do what I want or else I’m gonna get seriously pissed off;

I’m from too much LFT, and too much LSD, I’m from getting triggered, and woe is me;

I’m from broken promises, broken hearts and broken legs;

I’m from numbed out, pushed down, blissed out, dismissed and fired;

I’m from fear of the future, regret about the past and never being here in the present;

I’m from dark days and sleepless nights and panic attacks and endless depression and way too many therapists;

I’m from Buddhist retreats, I’m from being twice a widow, I’m from blacking out, falling down, I’m from endless hangovers, I’m from too much caffeine, I’m from pills and potions and desperate pleas for help, I’m from fed up, wiped out, and pretending to turn my life over to a higher power;

I’m from falling down the 12 steps and then looking for a different way to quit using and boozing;

I’m from choosing to be clean and sober;

I’m from saving my life with health foods, mantras, Hakomi therapy, 5 Rhythms dancing, and SMART Recovery tools;

I’m from going to meetings, and I’m from volunteering;

I’m from playing the tape to the end of the story;

I’m from ABCs and CBAs, VACI’s and USA and UOA and ULA and UBA, and I’m from ANTS, and I’m from PIG and I’m from PB&J;

I’m from grieving over too many deaths in too short of a time, I’m from fleeing from fires in Australia, I’m from a major car crash that came close to killing me, I’m from watching my husband die from a brain hemorrhage, I’m from wishing we had a chance to say goodbye;

I’m from meditating and sitting with my feelings;

I’m from learning how to live alone and I’m from getting on with a new life after over four years of grieving;

I’m from laughing for no reason at all, I’m from DISARMing my urges, I’m from being clean and sober no matter what it takes;

I’m from an HOV that lovingly places ‘clean and sober’ at the top of my list, and because of what they call ‘the hundred year flood’, I’m from a dilapidated motel room in Boulder Colorado with no idea where I’m going next, and I’m from I’m ok with being in a dilapidated motel room in Boulder Colorado with no idea where I’m going next;

I’m from accepting that I’m still a little crazy, pedantic, insecure, silly, temperamental and pushy, I’m from not being a bad person, just behaving badly sometimes, I’m from a kind heart, I’m from compassion and joy, I’m from effervescence, and intuition and a wisdom that just keeps growing;

I’m from trust, I’m from letting go, I’m from love, I’m from knowing that I can’t change the past, I’m from gratitude, I’m from forgiving but not forgetting when it’s important to remember;

I’m from this place I like to think of as my home away from home,

I’m from SMART Recovery.

About the author: Questor7 has been a SMART Recovery Online Participant since 2005 and she is currently a Volunteer. She enjoys writing, playing guitar, teaching drama and blogging.

Questor7 is one of the many volunteers that make it possible for SMART Recovery to assist individuals seeking abstinence from addictive behaviors. The approach used by SMART is science-based using non-confrontational, motivational, behavioral and cognitive methods. To find out how you can get involved, log-on to our Online Community for more information about Volunteering.