[Guest blog by Rick Kuplinski, Facilitator, SMART Recovery Henderson]
Recurrence (frequently called relapse) is the return to previous addictive behaviors of concern after a period of success meeting one’s recovery goals. What can we do if this is part of our recovery journey?
Acknowledge it happened. You’ve repeated an addictive behavior in a way that is inconsistent with the goal you’ve set for yourself to manage this behavior, for example through abstinence, moderation, or harm reduction. You are not okay with this. Repeating this behavior is not your intention. You’d like to get back on your recovery plan and continue the progress you’ve been making.
What to do now? If you haven’t already, the first thing to do is bring an end to this recurrence by no longer doing the thing that gives you concern.You want to sort things out but are still dealing with the emotions associated with this recurrence. You might be angry at yourself for your perceived “failure.” You may feel frustrated with the progress of your recovery. Also, it is normal to feel guilty about diverting from your plan or ashamed about the consequences, which might include disappointing those who support you.
Don’t restart the count (if you’re counting). In SMART Recovery, we generally don’t encourage counting how many consecutive days we’ve been sticking to our recovery plans. That’s because real changes in attitudes and behaviors are more important than “time served.” And even if we have a recurrence, it doesn’t erase the progress made and lessons learned beforehand. So, if you are counting days then don’t compound negative feelings by restarting your count at Day One. Instead, simply continue your previous count on the day you resolve to use your recurrence as an opportunity for further learning as you become the expert in your own recovery.
Talk to yourself like a friend. We are our own worst critics. Not only can we be unforgiving, but we also tend to say things to ourselves that we would never say to friends, things that aren’t entirely true, are unfair, are not particularly helpful, and maybe even downright cruel. It is not so hard to flip the switch on our self-talk if we imagine we are speaking to a dear friend experiencing a recurrence. What might that sound like? Telling ourselves “I’m hopeless. I just can’t do this” becomes “I did not stick to my plan 100 percent, but it is okay. I can get things back on track.” Thinking “What’s the use of trying again. I will just fail” becomes “You’ve done hard things before, and you can do this, too.” And instead of thinking thoughts of guilt and shame, use words of encouragement like: “I am proud of the path I am on. I am working hard. This challenge is temporary. The progress I’ve made so far shows me I can succeed if I keep going forward.”
Accentuate the positive. Before you sort through the details of the recurrence, it is important to remind yourself of the progress you’ve made. Make list of all the Ws in your win column, all the constructive things both big and small you’ve done or are doing to accomplish your change plan. Start from the time you resolved to change and continue to the present moment. Be sure to include all the things you are doing right now to deal with the recurrence, for example by going to a SMART Recovery meeting to talk things out or even reading this right now. When you are done, reflect on the list. You are likely to find that your recurrence pales in comparison to what you’ve accomplished in your recovery so far and your achievements are a better predictor of your future than are your setbacks.
Retrace your steps. Think carefully of the events leading up to the recurrence. This is often well before the actual doing of the thing that gives you concern. For example, I often mistook the time I took a first drink as when a recurrence began when really my thoughts were turning towards the bottle hours, days, or even weeks before. Sometimes I romanticized the benefits of taking a drink to deal with whatever emotional need I was feeling while conveniently ignoring the costs. Sometimes I fantasized that I had somehow developed a new superpower not to misuse. Sometimes I rationalized that I deserved a break. And often, I operationalized with thoughts like, “I won’t drink, but if I did this is how I would do it.” Then as a result, I already had a plan at the ready for when my resolve weakened. Retracing the steps to recurrence helps avoid a future setback by better recognizing the roads leading there.
Examine roads not taken. No matter how powerful addiction is, it is still a matter of choice how we respond to its pull. I was never teleported into a liquor store against my will. I never tripped over a gin bottle, watched it land in my mouth and drain itself. No. There were choices. Choices I made deliberately. Choices I ignored. And choices I never even considered. With the benefit of hindsight, we can carefully consider how we might better be able to respond in a similar set of events that lead to a recurrence and make more helpful decisions about what to do like escape a challenging situation, go to a meeting, call a supportive friend, re-read the SMART Recovery Handbook . . . to name just a few.
Sharpen your tools. There is a line in a Pearl Jam song that goes, “Collecting up the forget-me-nots; Not recalling what they're for.” This reminds me of how we often fail to call upon our SMART Recovery tools in the challenging situations when we need them most. For example, a review of Define Your Values (a.k.a. Hierarchy of Values) can remind us of how recurrence is counter to the things we consider most important in our lives. Taking a pause to complete a quick Cost-Benefit Analysis might have shown us how the instant gratification we seek is outweighed by negative consequences. Disputing Unhelpful Beliefs and the ABC tool are perfect for dealing constructively with the events and thoughts that tempt us to recur. And then there are all those Urge Coping Strategies explained in the SMART Recovery Handbook. But it’s not too late. Experiencing a recurrence is a good reminder to get re-acquainted with these tools and have them at the ready to prevent future recurrence.
Get back to work. Now it’s time to give your friend (you) encouragement for the work ahead. Remind yourself that recurrence, however challenging, is not failure. Remember your motivation to change and recommit yourself to it. Be proud of yourself for not getting deterred or defeated by this temporary setback. Reflect on what you’ve learned from the experience. Put this knowledge to work not only to prevent future recurrence but to make you stronger than before in managing your recovery in general. Then give yourself a hug or a fist bump. You got this.
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