[Guest blog post by SMART Facilitator Rick Kuplinski]
“Our lives are steered by uncertainties, many of which are disruptive or even daunting; but if we persevere and remain generous of heart, we may be granted a moment of lucidity—a moment in which all that has happened to us suddenly comes into focus as a necessary course of events, even as we find ourselves on the threshold of the life we had been meant to lead all along.” ― Amor Towles, A Gentleman in Moscow
We enter recovery wounded. We have been hurt (and hurt others) by the costs of our addictive behavior, whether it is damage to our physical and emotional health; our relationships with family, friends, co-workers, the world in general; our security and freedom(e.g. losing a place to live or the ability to drive, being incarcerated); or the actual financial costs of engaging in our behavior and dealing with its aftermath. And then there is also the cost of lost opportunity—all those things we once hoped to do, achieve, experience that got crowded out by our overwhelming focus on doing the thing(s) we now hope to address by participating in SMART Recovery.
So, it is natural that we are filled with feelings of regret as we embark on this journey. Why did I act that way? Why did I do the things I did? How did I let things go so far? What is wrong with me? Am I a bad person? These are questions that weigh on our minds.
Our SMART Recovery meetings are a safe, inclusive, and non-judgmental space to share these feelings. In our meetings, we also explore how to not let the weight of regret hamper our progress in being future- and action-oriented about making change. We can’t “undo” our pasts. The best we can do is find the “moment of lucidity” to accept and understand that if it weren’t for our past, then we would not be standing on the threshold of this opportunity to choose the future we imagine: a life beyond addiction. As we discuss this topic of letting go of regrets, we find it helpful to remind one another to take the following actions:
Put the past into balanced perspective -- When we work the SMART Recovery tool called the Hierarchy of Values, we explore how our past behavior was not aligned with what we consider truly important in our lives. When we work the tool of Cost-benefit Analysis, we outline in sharp detail the consequences (real and potential) of our past actions. The goal of these tools is to build our motivation for change; not to create crippling feelings of regret. So, it is important to use these tools with the understanding that our pasts are never all bad; just as they are not all good. And even though we may not have made the best choices, we (as said by the Buddha) are still worthy of our love and affection as much as anyone on the planet. Plus, even while living in addiction, we accumulated assets in our past that can serve us well in the present—experiences, supportive relationships, accumulated knowledge and skills, including those acquired through previous attempts at recovery.
Talk to ourselves like friends -- You may be familiar with the following quotation that is attributed to the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu: “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." What a great reminder of the power of our self-talk! Not only is what we say to ourselves important, how we say it matters, too. In our meetings, we remind each other to recognize when our self-talk sounds unfriendly and in those cases to deliberately imagine how you would have the same conversation with a dear friend in person or through writing, such as in a supportive letter or email. Immediately, people recognize how both the substance and tone of what we are telling ourselves turns more compassionate, friendly and motivating!
Forgive ourselves – Like positive self-talk, compassionate forgiveness of self is key to letting go of regrets; albeit one that often proves for many to be more challenging and longer term in its achievement. For we who are struggling to let go of grudges against ourselves, there is this from poet Maya Angelou: “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” In this regard, SMART Recovery emphasizes the concept of unconditional self-acceptance. According to the SMART Recovery Handbook 4th Edition, this means “recognizing you have worth just as you are . . . You are not your behaviors and your behaviors can change. You’ll still be you.” Forgiving oneself does not mean we have to like, approve, or condone how we lived in the past. It simply means recognizing that past events cannot be changed by wishing they hadn't happened and avoiding self-punishment when unrealistic wishes remain unfulfilled.
Focus on the future -- Wherever we came from, however we got here, we who participate in SMART Recovery have this in common: Our next and best opportunity to live our lives beyond addiction is happening right now. Not yesterday. This is why a fundamental ground rule of SMART Recovery is that we do not spend our time together in meetings with a backward focus of telling rock bottom stories or comparing addiction histories. Instead, we strive to maintain our focus on the present (instead of on picking at the scars of regret) and on taking proactive steps (no matter how small) toward creating our desired future. And this focus on the future in meetings is one we strive to sustain in the time between meetings as we apply and practice the tools and strategies of SMART Recovery in the real world we live in now.
Personal Postscript: As a devoted fan of the band Pearl Jam, I would be remiss if I did not add one more quote on dealing with regret. This, from the band’s song Present Tense: “You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets / Or you can come to terms and realize you're the only one who can forgive yourself / Makes much more sense to live in the present tense.”
SMART Recovery is a science- and evidence-informed program that provides educational and peer support to those who want to abstain and gain independence from all addictive behaviors, whether or not they involve alcohol or drugs. The program emphasizes building motivation and self-empowerment skills, employing strategies to control urges, managing thoughts at the root of addictive behaviors and living a healthy, balanced life. Go to the “Meetings” tab at www.smartrecovery.org to find an in-person or online meeting to attend.