[Guest Blog by SMART Facilitator Rick Kuplinski]
Old-school rockers might recognize this lyric from the song Freewill by the iconic band Rush: “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Hearing that song recently reminded me of how we sometimes sabotage our progress in addressing addiction by delay and indecision. First, let’s clearly define ambivalence. Many people (me included) confuse ambivalence as meaning the same as apathy, i.e., we think being ambivalent means not having an opinion or not caring about something. More accurately, ambivalence means:
So, what does that mean in addiction? It means both loving and hating the focus of our addiction at the same time. You might relate to this, especially if you have worked on the SMART Recovery Cost-Benefit Analysis (CBA tool). Ambivalence can be thought of as acknowledging the disadvantages of the addiction (costs) but still not being convinced that these outweigh the perceived advantages (benefits) of sticking with our special something-something. Let me give you an example from my own experience with alcohol use disorder:
Many days I woke up thinking, “Oh no, not again. How much did I drink? What time did I go to bed? Did I do anything stupid?” As my feet hit the floor, I raced to the bathroom, feeling like I might get sick. Then I stood there in front of the mirror, looking at my reflection shaking, sweating, and looking quite unwell. At this moment I tell myself . . . “This has to stop.”
By 5 p.m. my thinking changed. It is that time of day when I am bombarded with triggers telling me this is time to drink again. Now I am thinking, “Last night wasn’t so bad. Maybe I just shouldn’t have had those last few drinks.” I tell myself, as my triggers lead to thoughts that fuel my urges, “I am going to have some drinks to take the edge off. I’ll be more careful to not overdo it this time.”
I was not more careful , and this cycle of ambivalence repeated itself again and again. I even took my ambivalence with me into residential treatment, thinking, “Okay. I will take a little break. But I am going to drink again, and maybe I’ll get better at controlling it this time.” Actual results: I took my little break. I drank again. I didn’t get better at it.
Looking back now, I recognize that I had not really resolved my ambivalence. I fooled myself into thinking that I had because at least I recognized I had a problem and took some steps to deal with it. But here’s the thing: I was not making a decision that might lead to more permanent solutions. I continued to think I didn’t need to decide more decisively between loving and hating my addiction. But like the Rush lyric suggests, I still had made a choice, and by default to remain addicted.
Eventually I did resolve my ambivalence. I decided that not drinking at all was the best long-term choice for me, and I finally made a plan to get alcohol behind me forever. No more rationalizations. No more excuses. No more half measures.
Note: I am not suggesting that the only way to resolve ambivalence is to choose abstinence like I have. What I am suggesting is this: whatever the pathway we choose, lingering ambivalence can prolong the negative impact addiction is having on our lives. It can prevent us from being committed to real change. We can even exploit it to convince others we are serious about recovery when in fact we remain wishy-washy about it ourselves. So, whatever the pathway, we are likely to be more successful if we choose it decisively and with real determination to follow a plan that we continue to refine and work on despite the false starts and wrong turns we are likely to encounter.
As I reflect on my four decades of experience with my addiction, I can see that my failure to fundamentally resolve my ambivalence was the single greatest saboteur to my eventual long-term success in recovery. And as challenging as it is to rid oneself of a destructive addiction, it got a whole lot easier for me once I decided I really wanted to.
What about you? Do you recognize lingering ambivalence in your process of change? Do you see how it might be holding you back from stopping your addiction from being a major focus of your life? Our SMART Recovery meetings are a safe and non-judgmental place to learn tools to address the situation and to hear the experiences of others at all stages of choosing to make real changes to live life beyond addition.
SMART Recovery is a science- and evidence-informed program that provides educational and peer support to those who want to abstain and gain independence from all addictive behaviors, whether or not they involve alcohol or drugs. The program emphasizes building motivation and self-empowerment skills, employing strategies to control urges, managing thoughts at the root of addictive behaviors and living a healthy, balanced life. Go to the “Meetings” tab at www.smartrecovery.org to find an in-person or online meeting to attend.